Friday, November 21, 2008

How to be a Successful Musician

After years of going to concerts, I have come up with the list of necessary steps one must take in order to make it in the booming Christian music industry. This is not exhaustive, but the order must be preserved in order for this to work.

1) Sell all your clothes, everything nice you have. Go to a thrift store and spend no more than 50 cents for anything. Resupply your closet, the goal is to look as ratty as possible.

2) Stop washing or cutting your hair. Jesus didn't have shampoo, you don't need it either.

3) Buy a guitar, preferably one from a pawn shop or used store. Learn 3 chords, that's all you need, and it doesn't matter what 3.

4) Don't have big dreams yet, start out just you playing guitar at any possible opportunity (Disciple Now weekend, Youth Group meetings, coffee shops, on a street corner). There's plenty of songs out there so you don't need to write your own next.

5) Now comes your own original material. Inspiration can come from your journal, your thoughts, cliches you find on t-shirts, the Bible, or when all else fails just borrow from stuff that's been done before. This is called Christian Sampling.

6) Now it's time to recruit a band, you must find people who have followed steps 1 and 2 but have not yet gotten to 3 lest they surpass you. Any number will suffice here, but if you have a novelty instrument (piano, violin, dulcimer) use it!

7) Take your album photo, remember that no one is to look directly into the camera.

8) For your first big concert, remember that no one is there to see you, so play your four or five songs, and hop off the stage. But don't forget to bring your CD to the show so you can sell it out the trunk of your car.

9) Get one hit song on the radio, content means nothing as long as it's catchy. Feel free to throw out tons of Christian cliches if you need to.

10) Trim your hair, you don't want to look totally homeless, now you're being marketed.

*Disclaimer - This is meant to be humorous satire, not any malice towards Christian music or the industry. I hope you got somewhat of a kick out of this.

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